LONDON, England - I think we must be reaching the end of time. Frankly, I'm thinking about going to church again just to beg God to miracle up Hollywood some execs or screenwriters with a fresh idea or two.

Five habits of highly profitable movie-making(L-R): Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Aniston, Ginnifer Goodwin, Scarlett Johansson.

I've already had a rant here about the moves afoot to remake the "Karate Kid" with Jackie Chan in the lead, but now there are even more ominous threats to the good movie-going public on the horizon.

The U.S. success of "He's Just Not That Into You" is a frightening omen.

That a film based on a 2004 self-help book, which was in turn blasted into prominence by a remark on TV show "Sex and the City," was even made is vaguely insulting.

That it is now a riproaring success beggars belief (correct me if you think I'm wrong).

The story line, what there is of one, is lame: Career-driven thirtysomethings in search of love; Original, I know.

It's jam-packed full of stars but that just serves to remind you how dull and patronizing the whole thing is. It's brain curdling stuff.

Ben Affleck, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly, Kris Kristofferson and Scarlett Johansson, I have but one question: Why did you do it? Surely the money wasn't enough.

However, worse is that the movie's success will probably mean Hollywood turns even more to the self-help industry.

So, in the future, prepare yourself for films based on "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People," "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" and "Feel the Fear and do it Anyway."

Really help yourself and avoid seeing anything based on a self-help tome. A short walk in the park will be a lot better for you.

Tell us what you thought of the movie. Do you think Glen has a point?

LONDON, England (CNN) - History is littered with the detritus of terrible Oscar speeches. Gwyneth Paltrow anyone?

Gwyneth Paltrow lost her normal grace when delivering her Oscar acceptance speech.

Winners are inevitably overcome, talk far too long, sob too much and generally just make you want to hit the mute button before your brain melts.

That charismatic, dreamboat of a person you idolized becomes a make-up smudged shadow of their screen glory with all the appeal of a screaming banshee (men and women).

With the Oscars only weeks away and keeping the above in mind, I've decided to pen my own Oscar speech just in case the day ever comes...

"Oh God. WOW. This is LIKE soooo amazing. I am a WINNER, which makes you all LOSERS. Oops, sorry. It makes a lot of you losers. I mean, what I wanted so say, is that this is just, I think, like, probably, the best moment in my life - no offense to my wife – but she knows what I'm all about.

"And that's glory, and now I have it. Being a winner like me takes hard work, it has been back-breaking at times. I mean, some of you guys know what it's like, $15 million a picture doesn't spread that far these days. And working half the year in exotic locations is not what everyone imagines. And then there's the week of humanitarian work a year; God! Sick and hungry people are such a drain aren't they?

"Anyway, I digress, I'd like to thank everyone I've ever known though they've actually contributed nothing to my success - I got me here. I'm the one who does the acting.

"Some critics have called me the acting talent of my generation and, I have to say, I think they're on the money.

"Which is why you losers, sorry, I mean the other people I have been delighted to beat to the best actor nod, shouldn't be too downtrodden. You've done quite well actually. I'm not going to namecheck you all, because frankly, while I know your names, I can't be bothered and I don't really like you.

"I think I'll put old Oscar here on the mantle piece next to the picture of me with Barack Obama. Obviously he and I have a lot in common, like winning, and I like to feel we're on the same page when it comes to policy in the Middle East.

"Anyway, to cap off: I'm the winner here and fully expect to be back next year so don't even bother renting yourself a suit. By the way, do you like mine? Aren't you going to give me the obligatory standing ovation?"

What would you say in your Oscar speech? What is the worst Oscar speech you've seen?

LONDON, England – The original "Karate Kid" movie is the Mona Lisa of its genre. Teenage boy moves to new town with mum after dad dies, develops heavy crush on pretty girl - Elisabeth Shue - only to be beaten into a pulp regularly by her karate practising ex-boyfriend and his mates.

Execs are in talks to remake 1980s martial arts coming of age movie 'Karate Kid'.

However, salvation is at hand in the form of his building's handyman - Pat Morita's noble and beautifully acted Mr Miyagi.

Miyagi knows a thing or two about karate and sets about teaching Daniel the proper way to use it by putting him to work waxing and painting things at his house.

Eventually all that "wax on, wax off" is revealed as a cunning ploy to get Ralph Macchio's Daniel using the moves he needs but without the anger and hatred of his enemy.

It also has the benefit of teaching him patience and understanding, which is of course a big hit with Shue's character.

It culminates with Daniel's famous crane-kick victory after the badass ex-boyfriend has unleased some more nasty karate taught by his equally nasty teacher.

It makes you want to leap with joy and punch the air just thinking about.

However someone needs to start crane kicking the execs at Columbia Pictures, who are apparently in talks with Jackie Chan to remake the movie.

According to reports, Chan will mentor Will Smith's son, Jaden, with the major difference being that the film will be set in Asia rather than California.

Cunningly the movie will be a co-production with state-run China Film Group, Variety reports, which would allow Columbia to bypass China's annual quota of 20 film imports on a revenue-sharing basis.

Doesn't sound at all cynical does it?

And therein lies the problem with just about every remake ever made: They're about prostituting out a once great movie to old fans who don't know better and a new generation who are barely old enough to tie their shoelaces let alone know there was an original.

Frankly, I'd rather burn my own eyes out with a hot poker than be duped into seeing another rubbish remake featuring a big-name star who is no patch on the original.

Just think Jude Law. He has been in two of the most nonsensical remakes ever, reprising Michael Caine's role in "Alfie" and helping sully the name of the original Oscar-winning "All the Kings Men." Moreover, he's soon to feature in Guy Ritchie's take on Sherlock Holmes - it's a combination that has turkey written all over it.

Mark Wahlberg has an equally bad reputation when it comes to remake horrors, joining Tim Burton to butcher "Planet of the Apes" and Charlize Theron and Donald Sutherland in "The Italian Job" (what is it about Caine's films?).

However, even they couldn't top Gus Van Sant's remake of "Psycho" with Vince Vaughan in the leading role. Vince Vaughan? Pass me that poker.

A "Karate Kid" remake can't possibly better the original - the sequels were bad enough.

It all - sorry about the terrible pun - makes no sensei.

What is the worst remake you've seen?